Starting Over

My birthday just passed. It wasn't a very big emotional day, thankfully. I mean I have moments where I wanted to cry and all but I never did. People say that crying helps is that really true? I guess it depends on who the people are. Like for me I keep people out of my personal life, even my parents at times. And you can't do that. You need that person that you can tell everything to and know that their not going to look at you weird and think your crazy. Their just going to let you vent and then they'll say what they think. Sometimes its not really what you want to hear at that time and other times it's like its perfect timing. And as I sit here writing this I keep thinking that its time for me to put down the walls that I've built over the years and let people in instead. Yes, it's something I need to work on and it's going to take a while. But at least I'm trying. I have no idea why I ever built walls to keep people out and why I never talked to anyone about how i feel. Normally things would happen during basketball and I would take out all my feelings on the court. I'm not able to do that anymore. I have no idea why? It is probably because I'm not the same person I was last year. I've made big changes in my life, and I'm still making changes..It's like I'm starting over. One of the most hardest things is starting over. It's not like I'm starting over in different city or country, I'm starting over in the same house, city. With the same friends around that have known me for years. Which makes it even harder. But it'll be for the best to start over and change the way I act.

Comfort?

At youth one night we were told to picture God and what we thought Heaven would look like. And when I did I saw a huge throne and God sitting there and he pointed down beside him and there standing beside him was my grandmother smiling at me. She came over and gave me the biggest hug, and it wasn't like a normal hug it felt different. Like she was really there just holding me. Then next the thing you know everything that i saw and felt was gone. Just like in a blink of an eye...I don't know why it happened and then just went away like it did? It still confuses me. But maybe one day it will make sense? And if it doesn't that's okay, I guess? But time will tell. I do wish it did make sense.

What Do I Know of Holy?

I wrote this on Oct. 1st, 2010. The title came from a song I heard in youth one night. Still every time I hear this song I just want to cry my eyes out. It's such a powerful song! It's by Addison Road.

I listen to this song called "What Do I Know of Holy". It has me thinking what do I know? What do I know about who put me in motion? It has me crying and getting everything that I put in the back of my head to the front where I can see it! It doesn't make sense how one song can do all that. But maybe one it will make sense. So what do I know of holy? Anything at all? It's like I know the same old, same old stuff but I want to know more. Why is it when I try to talk to God I always have whats going on the next day or the week before? Am I focused or just not listening? Or am I trying to hard? How is it I trust you and know that everything is in your hands but yet I don't come to you? I just don't understand. It's so easy for me to not say anything at all about things, but then I go write them all down instead of going to you. And here I am doing it again. Whats wrong with me? I feel different then all the others in my youth group. Why? I always seem to ask "why" a lot. I always ask questions. Do I get my answers? Not all the time, but who does? I feel afraid, scared to know the truth. Maybe that's it. I will probably find out sometime. But this is just the truth about how I feel on somethings. Hopefully, I can get over this and move on and grow closer to God. Like I am right now. There are some powerful things going on at my church. It's UNBELIEVABLE and AMAZING!

Back to normal? Well, maybe not.

I wrote this on June 25th 2010. Right before my sister's 12th birthday. I had a lot on my mind since her birthday was the very next day.


After a while you would think that you would go back to normal. Like have the same routine, i guess? Sit, hang out, and talk to the same people. But it doesn't happen like that. Nothing is going to be the same. Think about it, how are you going to go back to doing the same old thing you were doing before everything happened? When something major happens like losing a loved one that you saw all the time. How do you get through those day or the times your just having a rough day? Do you just lie around all day and be in a bad mood? What if your one of those people who think if you say their name around certain people that thier going to start crying, do you just not talk about that person infront of them? Even if they say it's alright. It's because you feel uncomfortable talking about them. Bit the question iswhen or willyou ever get back to having a normal like? Maybe so! I guess nothing will go back to being completely normal. It'll be different at first. But it's like your getting to start over..Finding a new life. Trying new things that you've never done before. It can be fun and exciting! But, also kinda hard. You can get through it though.

A Part of Life

The hardest things in life always come when you least expect them to, and you have to make out with what you can of the situation. Sometimes it will be and other times it could be easy, but is life ever easy? You could go from having everything going great to everything going down hill by one little thing that happens. Like having the best family, friends, boyfriend, and grades. And then something like losing a loved one one happens and from there your whole world just got turned upside down. What can you do about it? You can talk to friends and see what they have to say about whats really going on in your head about everything that has happened..But they won't give you the strength that you need to get through it, but God will. And so that's when you go somewhere and just pray and ask for the strength to get through the day and to get through everything else..It helps, I promise! But bad things happen its just a part of life.

Finding Me

I always listen to music and compare the lyrics to what's going on in my life at that moment in time. I've done it, don't know why though? Maybe through the lyrics I'm trying to find a part that fits me and I could live by that? Or I'm just trying to find myself through someone else? Who am I? I ask that question a lot. Have I found the person I'm going to be or am I still looking? My friends say that I've changed a lot of the past couple months. They say I'm maturing. Maybe so? I guess letting everyone read what I have felt over the past couple months is maturing? People still ask me "are you alright?" And I simply tell them that I'm fine. Other people seem to care but they know not to ask that question. I know people who say that they can relate to how I feel. But how can someone actually relate to the same exact feelings that I'm dealing with? I guess some can, but others may just be trying to make me feel better. So what I've taken from that is to trust the ones that you know you can...When I sit in my room at night by myself that's when everything hits me..The stress from the day, all the emotions and all of that stuff. And that's when I start to write, draw, play music and sing. I do everything to keep me from crying. But what if i need to cry? Or do I just keep doing all of that to relax me? I don't really know..Either way it works for both things. But through all of this I'm just trying to find the real me. I'll find her someday. It may be tomorrow, a month from now, or even in a couple of years. Either way I'll find it..This may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

Things We Can't Explain

Why her? Why now? Why my family? I keep asking myself those questions. As much as I tell everyone that I'm okay, am I really okay? Or do I just keep lying to them or to myself? But what I know is that it happened and it happened for a reason. As hard as it is I have to live with it. It's just so hard to believe it really happened, even though i was in the hospital for two weeks..But as I sat there in the waiting room for hours I just kept thinking "she's gonna make it" and "how did this happen? she was perfectly fine." But I guess that's all a part in life. I got bounced around a lot during that time, I felt like a baby being passed around to different people to see who could get me to stop crying. I went to friend's houses and church and hung out with different people almost everyday. But now I kinda regret going to those places when I could have been there with her. But I can't go back and change it. I was at those places to keep me away from the sadness of certain people and from the things I would have to hear when I wouldn't be ready..I went to my friend Allie's house for two days and I had fun but I can't tell you what we did now. It's like everything that went on in that whole month of March I can't remember, it's all a blur. I also went to my best friend Hannah's house and there I thought i would be able to let go of everything that I was feeling and carrying around with me. But I guessed wrong. I kept a straight face the whole time, even though I felt depressed and upset with the world. I got through it...But I guess what I'm thinking about here is, will I ever be the same person I was before all this happened? Who knows? I kinda like the new me, but at times I don't. I don't laugh at things I used to laugh at, I just simple think its stupid and a waste of time. But what I have learned is that "Everything Happens For a Reason" as much as we hate to believe it, it's true.