Starting Over

My birthday just passed. It wasn't a very big emotional day, thankfully. I mean I have moments where I wanted to cry and all but I never did. People say that crying helps is that really true? I guess it depends on who the people are. Like for me I keep people out of my personal life, even my parents at times. And you can't do that. You need that person that you can tell everything to and know that their not going to look at you weird and think your crazy. Their just going to let you vent and then they'll say what they think. Sometimes its not really what you want to hear at that time and other times it's like its perfect timing. And as I sit here writing this I keep thinking that its time for me to put down the walls that I've built over the years and let people in instead. Yes, it's something I need to work on and it's going to take a while. But at least I'm trying. I have no idea why I ever built walls to keep people out and why I never talked to anyone about how i feel. Normally things would happen during basketball and I would take out all my feelings on the court. I'm not able to do that anymore. I have no idea why? It is probably because I'm not the same person I was last year. I've made big changes in my life, and I'm still making changes..It's like I'm starting over. One of the most hardest things is starting over. It's not like I'm starting over in different city or country, I'm starting over in the same house, city. With the same friends around that have known me for years. Which makes it even harder. But it'll be for the best to start over and change the way I act.

Comfort?

At youth one night we were told to picture God and what we thought Heaven would look like. And when I did I saw a huge throne and God sitting there and he pointed down beside him and there standing beside him was my grandmother smiling at me. She came over and gave me the biggest hug, and it wasn't like a normal hug it felt different. Like she was really there just holding me. Then next the thing you know everything that i saw and felt was gone. Just like in a blink of an eye...I don't know why it happened and then just went away like it did? It still confuses me. But maybe one day it will make sense? And if it doesn't that's okay, I guess? But time will tell. I do wish it did make sense.