Stand

Life's like a novel. You don't always know how its going to end. The next page is always a surprise with something you didn't expect..Some days i lose my place and its a fight to keep my faith. When my heart is hurt too much. Feels like I've reached the end.  But I won't turn and run, this battle inside me will be won....

Have you ever felt like this? I know I have countless times. Honestly there's always a battle going on inside you. You feel like you're being torn in two different directions. One way looks like the right way to go, but in reality its not. Because its not the direction God wants you to go. In all honestly, its hard to to follow the direction you're meant to go. If you look at it your friends may be going one way, and God is pulling you to go a completely different direction because he has a path for you to follow. Yes, it's your choice to follow it. But he's still watching you and keeping you safe even if you don't go the way he wants you to at that time. It all happens for a purpose. Sometimes its people in your life, or jobs, or just anything. God has a plan for each and every one of us. But here's the thing, we have to trust and follow. Yeah, that can be extremely hard. Especially in this day and time. We all want to fit in with the "popular crowd", or have a ton of friends. Each and every one of us goes through this at some point in life.. I mean after all it's life. 

In 1 Timothy 4:11-14 its says  11 Command and teach these things. 12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 13 Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. 14 Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

This verse really speaks towards teenagers. But I believe a lot of us just glance at this verse and just continue on with how we are living our life at the time. I'll be the first to say that I've not lived my life according to this. But, God still have a plan for my life. No matter how bad i screw up with anything and everything he will ALWAYS be there with arms wide open, just waiting to catch you and help you back up. He is the reason we are here. He is keeping us together, and alive. We all need to start living like what the verse says. Yes, I know actually living that way will be hard, because you will judge and people will try to bring you down. But that's trust comes in place, and you just give it all to him and he will handle. He will always be there to hold your hand, to be that shoulder to cry on, to just be your friend. He wants to be your friend. Yeah, you've heard that many times I understand because so have I. But it's the truth. You won't always have the same friends that you have now. Everyone has a different plan for their life. It's just a way of life. People come and go all the time. Not just in regular activities, but in church as well. We just have to learn to trust God in what he's doing at this time. Because he's not trying to hurt us. He's trying to help. I've been there when stuff like that has happened to me. And, I'm glad that i listened and trusted God with the decisions I've made in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am without him. What I'm trying to say, is to Stand for what you believe. Because times are getting tough. Life is getting harder. Pain is becoming more painful than before. But trusting God during all this HE will get you through it. You don't always know how the book will turn out with just looking at the outside of it. It's always filled with surprises, good and bad. Don't ever judge a book by its cover. Because you could be judging your life at the same time. 

Living Right

Thinking a lot lately and reflecting on the past year and about all the choices I made whether right or wrong. We all make wrong decisions and right ones, we're not perfect. Simple as that. In the past year so much in my life has changed most for the better and some seemed to have been temporary. I graduated, got a new job, started goin to a new church, lost friends, and then went back to the church I started at. Crazy, huh? God did all that in my life for a reason, don't know why but it doesn't really matter. I believe he lead me to a new church so I could meet new people who have had so much impact on my life the last couple months, and for the transition my old church was going through. He saved me from the emotional pain that I could have received from what was going on. And now as the transitions are still happening to an extent I am back where I started. And honestly, coming back now was the best time. Not because wow got a new pastor, or the fact that th youth pastors were leaving! But because God knew it was time for me to come back, not exactly sure why yet but I will find out. Because this year I am growing stronger, trusting, believing, and learning more about God! That's my goal is to become a strong woman in faith so that.I can witness to people so that they will want to be more like him!  Our pastor preached Sunday on "Building Solid Lives in 2013". He challenged us to challenge ourself to grow stronger in our spiritual life, and to start out with just a relationship with Christ! But honestly the way I'm looking at it as is I have a relationship but its not a friendship or anything like that, its more of just a acquaintance... Yes, I know that sound bad! But you got to start somewhere. What's crazy is the fact that I've been going to church since I was a baby, but that doesn't mean I've made the right choices or lived like I should have! And I'll be completely honest. I haven't lived for Christ. I'm not pleased with myself for that, but I can't change the past I can only live for the future now. And my future will be filled with joy, happiness, and faith with a relationship with God that I am going to works on for the rest of my life. Another thing about what my pastor preached about on Sunday was the 3 basic materials to build a solid spiritual life: prayer, bible reading, and last but not least journaling. With those 3 things you will be on your way with an amazing way to start your new year, your faith, and believing in God! I challenge this to whoever is reading this to do this with me! Just commit yourself to God that you will follow his word everyday and live by it! So others will see the joy in your life and will want the same thing! Be a light in this world, and spread the word by living by it! Don't forget the most important thing, pray, and read your bible and soak in his word. Don't just read it and say you are living by his word when you aren't even trying to understand it and learn what you become! That's all for my preaching of the night! Ephesians 2:10 is a great verse about this. It talks about letting your life be the canvas and God is the artist painting your life it's going to be! Remember that! I'm gonna close this out with a prayer,  and I hope that when your reading this that you will also pray with it! " Dear Lord, I want to thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, and forgiving me for it everyday. Lord I pray that as I start to learn more about you that you will give me the strength to not give and not  let down! Amen"

Church Familes

It's been months since I've been to the church I grew up in. But I'm going tomorrow. I'm not sure why I'm going, I already have a church that I love! It doesn't make sense. I wanna go to see my grandpa, but i feel like that isn't the only reason I'm going. And what's worse is I'm scared to death to go. After everything that I've been through there, why would I wanna even step into that place again? I keep asking myself that. But I can't seem to find an answer. I feel like I wanna go there to prove a point that I'm happier now that I left. But that can't be it. That's just selfish beyond belief.  So I'm laying here at 1:30am typing, and trying to think things through. Am I doing the right thing?? Or should I find a way to get to my church?? I feel like it'd be good to go to church with my family for a change. But at the same time this church isn't my family anymore. They haven't been in 2 yrs. It hurts so much to think of what I have been through and have lost everyone of those people that I knew there. No one talks to me except one person and even with them I feel like that their just trying to be nice, but I know them well enough to know that ain't the cause. I'm not going to know hardly anyone there, and I get to deal with somethings. Don't know what they could be, if they happen. But I'm ready. And I'll tell it straight up how a church is supposed to be. And if your wondering I'll tell you.

A church is supposed to be a family. Always there for one another, no matter what. They don't judge you by the clothes you wear, the way you talk, and most importantly your past that they don't even know a thing about. And see that's what i have learned by going to the church I've been going to recently. I love it there. No one knows my past, they don't automatically ask a 100 questions about my life. They wanna get to know me for who I am now, and not who I was. I mean i coulda had the best life ever, but they don't care about my past, they care about my future and my walk with God. That to me is a church. That's not just a church, that's a true family.. Therefore it's a church family.

I'm 18 years old, I left my church to start fresh and with a better walk with God. And it's been the best thing I have ever done.

In 1 Corinthians 12:14 it says "For the body does not consist of one member, but of many." When I read that it reminds me that I have found my family in Christ at this church. It tells me that this is where I belong. I have never wanted to do the things I wanna do with this youth group. I'm definitely coming out of my comfort zone, and I've only been going there full for about 5 months. It's amazing what God can do in your life in that short amount of time. And put the people you need in your life. Which I am so thankful for. I'm so glad I got to make friends with so many people this summer going to that church, and the relationships are so strong. And they love me for ME! And that's a amazing fact now a days.

To end this I just wanna ask that you continue to pray for me as I'm getting older and growing more in love, and strong in my faith. I just wanna be able to continue in that which I know I can, it's just nice to have people praying that  I'm going the right direction! Thanks!

And thanks for taking the time out of your day to take a look at this little confusing post. Remember to stay positive, and pray about everything you do, and follow the path God has laid out for you, as he has for me.

Never Loose Your Sense of Humor

I was cleaning my room tonight, and I found a book full of letters from random people that was given to me on my 13th birthday. Most of them are from close friends, and family. I came across the one that my grandmother wrote. As I started to read it of course tears started coming to surface. It talked about how much they loved me, how proud they were, and so much more. I came across one thing in the second paragraph, it said "never loose your sense of humor, you'll have more fun in life and not get so bogged down with serious stuff." And it made me think about a lot of things that has been going on in my life. After my grandmother passed 2 yrs ago i started to loose that sense of humor, nothing I did was fun anymore. Not even the sports that I loved to play. It has taken so long for me to realize that I actually did loose my sense of humor. I mean I wasn't like a comedian or anything, it was just your simple humor. As I continue to read this letter all I wanna do is cry, but I don't because I know she's in a way better place than here now. Yes, it's really hard to handle and accept that, but it's all a part of life. When I come to the end of the letter its talking about the future and how she's giving me advice on some things. It's amazing that I have the privilege to have a letter like this. But the big thing is I need her now more than ever, and she isn't here anymore. So much stuff that has happened within the past 6 months let alone the past two years, I've hardly been able to handle any of it. I've been to the point of just screaming at the top of my lungs because I can't handle all of things going on. I left the church I grew up in for 17 yrs, and I think if she was here I would have never even considered leaving. The thought would've have never crossed my mind, none of the stuff that has happened to me there would've happened at all! I think that a lot, but at the same time I know that there's a possibility that it could have happened with her there. Now probably not the extent of it, but I do believe that it could have. She quoted scripture in the letter it was out of Psalm.."Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit you way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." -Psalm 37:4-5. As i read that verse I think about my life. Am I trusting Him? Have I committed my way to Him? That verse really makes you take a good look on your life. I'll be honest my relationship with God isn't at the strength it should be, but I'm working on it. I'm not perfect, I'm human, and I'll be more than glad to admit that. If I was perfect I wouldn't be me!  It has taken me two years to finally be able to be myself again. I was scared of being myself. I don't know why, but I was. It was like I was hiding, but what would I be hiding from? The world? Failure? It could have been anything in the world. Another way it felt was like I was like a turtle, scared to come out of my shell because I didn't know how to live and be myself or on my own! If that makes sense? Now that I have came out of my shell, I keep becoming the person I am supposed to be. Even if it involves doing stupid things along the way. But that's because I'm human. I'm gonna make a million mistakes before I get everything right. And honestly, I doubt I will get a lot of things right. But what I'm getting at is NEVER loose who you are. Always show who you are, no matter who you are around. It's one of the most important things in life is to trust God, commit to Him, and of course be yourself. Don't be scared of the world. Yes, it seems really scary but it's not that bad. Just go and live your life the way God desires you to. Remember Psalm 37:4-5, and my personal favorite Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." 

New Way To live

Getting older is about growing into the person your meant to be. And sometimes the hardest things are the right thing to do. But why is it when you make that decision you feel like its the wrong thing to do. Is it because you've been at it so long? Or because you don't really wanna change something that you've always done, because your sacred of what other people may think. Why question everything you do? So what if other people judge you for it. It's your life and your making it yours. The people that are judging you are most definitely the people you don't need to be around. Their the ones being unchristian. Your the one following your path which is what were told to do. But why are those people saying things that false about you and spreading lies and other things. Is it because their jealous? That's always a possibility. But if that isn't the case, then what is? I'm so tired of feeling like I'm being talked about behind my back by my so called friends. You would think if they actually cared about you, they wouldn't be stabbing you in the back, constantly. Is leaving the issue as it is and never coming back to it, the right thing? I ask myself that question constantly as i get older. I think escaping the issue will help you at times. But other times you need to face it. No matter what it is you did or didn't do, its always better to face the problem that is there. So your not having to come back to it. What if you keep giving those people second chances, and nothing is happening. What do you do keep trying? What if the stuff they did to you they don't even care that it hurt you. And the stress of all of it is making you sick. How do you handle that? You pray, and rely on God to help you through this rough time in your life. He will lead you to the right decision to make. Once you've prayed you feel so relieved. But you might start to second guess yourself after you made that decision to keep on going, or to stop. Then you know you need to trust God, cause he is the one telling you that what your doing is right for you. He wants us to be happy. But we all seem to forget that. We all get carried on in our lives that we forget the true meaning of things. And we decide to do everything on our own. Which is the biggest problem this world has. We all need to stop relying on ourselves, and start relying on God. He is all we need! We don't need fame, money, and many more things if we have him. He's the one keeping us here. So overall what I'm getting at is that we need to trust God in the things he is choosing for us. We may not like them, but its best if we keep our mouths shut and just follow. To end this I'm going to quote a friend of mine. He told me that this is how he's starting to live "Make decisions in life that will not only affect you, but that will show others that you have a passion in everything you do." -Levi Tucker. So with that being said live life how God wants you to.

We All Have A Story

We all have a story. We all want to how it ends. With a happy ending or something else? Can we skip to the ending just to see a part? Author of the moment can you tell me, do i end up happy? Those thoughts always cross your mind at some point in time. you know your future is up God and yourself by the choices you make in life. you have to make the right choices to end up happy. and do you do that? well that's easy. you ask God into your life and to forgive you. but that part is easy, but you can go back to the way you were before so easily. so you have to make a commitment to God and yourself. saying that you want to live the right way and no other way. yes, its going to be hard but trust in God and in yourself and you can do it! read your bible, journal, and pray! all of this seems so easy, but believe me its not. its like being on a team that wants to win! God is your coach he wants you to succeed in life with him in your life. the prayer, journal, and reading your bible are drills to make you a better person. and it makes you a winner.

Starting Over

My birthday just passed. It wasn't a very big emotional day, thankfully. I mean I have moments where I wanted to cry and all but I never did. People say that crying helps is that really true? I guess it depends on who the people are. Like for me I keep people out of my personal life, even my parents at times. And you can't do that. You need that person that you can tell everything to and know that their not going to look at you weird and think your crazy. Their just going to let you vent and then they'll say what they think. Sometimes its not really what you want to hear at that time and other times it's like its perfect timing. And as I sit here writing this I keep thinking that its time for me to put down the walls that I've built over the years and let people in instead. Yes, it's something I need to work on and it's going to take a while. But at least I'm trying. I have no idea why I ever built walls to keep people out and why I never talked to anyone about how i feel. Normally things would happen during basketball and I would take out all my feelings on the court. I'm not able to do that anymore. I have no idea why? It is probably because I'm not the same person I was last year. I've made big changes in my life, and I'm still making changes..It's like I'm starting over. One of the most hardest things is starting over. It's not like I'm starting over in different city or country, I'm starting over in the same house, city. With the same friends around that have known me for years. Which makes it even harder. But it'll be for the best to start over and change the way I act.

Comfort?

At youth one night we were told to picture God and what we thought Heaven would look like. And when I did I saw a huge throne and God sitting there and he pointed down beside him and there standing beside him was my grandmother smiling at me. She came over and gave me the biggest hug, and it wasn't like a normal hug it felt different. Like she was really there just holding me. Then next the thing you know everything that i saw and felt was gone. Just like in a blink of an eye...I don't know why it happened and then just went away like it did? It still confuses me. But maybe one day it will make sense? And if it doesn't that's okay, I guess? But time will tell. I do wish it did make sense.

What Do I Know of Holy?

I wrote this on Oct. 1st, 2010. The title came from a song I heard in youth one night. Still every time I hear this song I just want to cry my eyes out. It's such a powerful song! It's by Addison Road.

I listen to this song called "What Do I Know of Holy". It has me thinking what do I know? What do I know about who put me in motion? It has me crying and getting everything that I put in the back of my head to the front where I can see it! It doesn't make sense how one song can do all that. But maybe one it will make sense. So what do I know of holy? Anything at all? It's like I know the same old, same old stuff but I want to know more. Why is it when I try to talk to God I always have whats going on the next day or the week before? Am I focused or just not listening? Or am I trying to hard? How is it I trust you and know that everything is in your hands but yet I don't come to you? I just don't understand. It's so easy for me to not say anything at all about things, but then I go write them all down instead of going to you. And here I am doing it again. Whats wrong with me? I feel different then all the others in my youth group. Why? I always seem to ask "why" a lot. I always ask questions. Do I get my answers? Not all the time, but who does? I feel afraid, scared to know the truth. Maybe that's it. I will probably find out sometime. But this is just the truth about how I feel on somethings. Hopefully, I can get over this and move on and grow closer to God. Like I am right now. There are some powerful things going on at my church. It's UNBELIEVABLE and AMAZING!

Back to normal? Well, maybe not.

I wrote this on June 25th 2010. Right before my sister's 12th birthday. I had a lot on my mind since her birthday was the very next day.


After a while you would think that you would go back to normal. Like have the same routine, i guess? Sit, hang out, and talk to the same people. But it doesn't happen like that. Nothing is going to be the same. Think about it, how are you going to go back to doing the same old thing you were doing before everything happened? When something major happens like losing a loved one that you saw all the time. How do you get through those day or the times your just having a rough day? Do you just lie around all day and be in a bad mood? What if your one of those people who think if you say their name around certain people that thier going to start crying, do you just not talk about that person infront of them? Even if they say it's alright. It's because you feel uncomfortable talking about them. Bit the question iswhen or willyou ever get back to having a normal like? Maybe so! I guess nothing will go back to being completely normal. It'll be different at first. But it's like your getting to start over..Finding a new life. Trying new things that you've never done before. It can be fun and exciting! But, also kinda hard. You can get through it though.

A Part of Life

The hardest things in life always come when you least expect them to, and you have to make out with what you can of the situation. Sometimes it will be and other times it could be easy, but is life ever easy? You could go from having everything going great to everything going down hill by one little thing that happens. Like having the best family, friends, boyfriend, and grades. And then something like losing a loved one one happens and from there your whole world just got turned upside down. What can you do about it? You can talk to friends and see what they have to say about whats really going on in your head about everything that has happened..But they won't give you the strength that you need to get through it, but God will. And so that's when you go somewhere and just pray and ask for the strength to get through the day and to get through everything else..It helps, I promise! But bad things happen its just a part of life.

Finding Me

I always listen to music and compare the lyrics to what's going on in my life at that moment in time. I've done it, don't know why though? Maybe through the lyrics I'm trying to find a part that fits me and I could live by that? Or I'm just trying to find myself through someone else? Who am I? I ask that question a lot. Have I found the person I'm going to be or am I still looking? My friends say that I've changed a lot of the past couple months. They say I'm maturing. Maybe so? I guess letting everyone read what I have felt over the past couple months is maturing? People still ask me "are you alright?" And I simply tell them that I'm fine. Other people seem to care but they know not to ask that question. I know people who say that they can relate to how I feel. But how can someone actually relate to the same exact feelings that I'm dealing with? I guess some can, but others may just be trying to make me feel better. So what I've taken from that is to trust the ones that you know you can...When I sit in my room at night by myself that's when everything hits me..The stress from the day, all the emotions and all of that stuff. And that's when I start to write, draw, play music and sing. I do everything to keep me from crying. But what if i need to cry? Or do I just keep doing all of that to relax me? I don't really know..Either way it works for both things. But through all of this I'm just trying to find the real me. I'll find her someday. It may be tomorrow, a month from now, or even in a couple of years. Either way I'll find it..This may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

Things We Can't Explain

Why her? Why now? Why my family? I keep asking myself those questions. As much as I tell everyone that I'm okay, am I really okay? Or do I just keep lying to them or to myself? But what I know is that it happened and it happened for a reason. As hard as it is I have to live with it. It's just so hard to believe it really happened, even though i was in the hospital for two weeks..But as I sat there in the waiting room for hours I just kept thinking "she's gonna make it" and "how did this happen? she was perfectly fine." But I guess that's all a part in life. I got bounced around a lot during that time, I felt like a baby being passed around to different people to see who could get me to stop crying. I went to friend's houses and church and hung out with different people almost everyday. But now I kinda regret going to those places when I could have been there with her. But I can't go back and change it. I was at those places to keep me away from the sadness of certain people and from the things I would have to hear when I wouldn't be ready..I went to my friend Allie's house for two days and I had fun but I can't tell you what we did now. It's like everything that went on in that whole month of March I can't remember, it's all a blur. I also went to my best friend Hannah's house and there I thought i would be able to let go of everything that I was feeling and carrying around with me. But I guessed wrong. I kept a straight face the whole time, even though I felt depressed and upset with the world. I got through it...But I guess what I'm thinking about here is, will I ever be the same person I was before all this happened? Who knows? I kinda like the new me, but at times I don't. I don't laugh at things I used to laugh at, I just simple think its stupid and a waste of time. But what I have learned is that "Everything Happens For a Reason" as much as we hate to believe it, it's true.