Finding Me

I always listen to music and compare the lyrics to what's going on in my life at that moment in time. I've done it, don't know why though? Maybe through the lyrics I'm trying to find a part that fits me and I could live by that? Or I'm just trying to find myself through someone else? Who am I? I ask that question a lot. Have I found the person I'm going to be or am I still looking? My friends say that I've changed a lot of the past couple months. They say I'm maturing. Maybe so? I guess letting everyone read what I have felt over the past couple months is maturing? People still ask me "are you alright?" And I simply tell them that I'm fine. Other people seem to care but they know not to ask that question. I know people who say that they can relate to how I feel. But how can someone actually relate to the same exact feelings that I'm dealing with? I guess some can, but others may just be trying to make me feel better. So what I've taken from that is to trust the ones that you know you can...When I sit in my room at night by myself that's when everything hits me..The stress from the day, all the emotions and all of that stuff. And that's when I start to write, draw, play music and sing. I do everything to keep me from crying. But what if i need to cry? Or do I just keep doing all of that to relax me? I don't really know..Either way it works for both things. But through all of this I'm just trying to find the real me. I'll find her someday. It may be tomorrow, a month from now, or even in a couple of years. Either way I'll find it..This may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

Things We Can't Explain

Why her? Why now? Why my family? I keep asking myself those questions. As much as I tell everyone that I'm okay, am I really okay? Or do I just keep lying to them or to myself? But what I know is that it happened and it happened for a reason. As hard as it is I have to live with it. It's just so hard to believe it really happened, even though i was in the hospital for two weeks..But as I sat there in the waiting room for hours I just kept thinking "she's gonna make it" and "how did this happen? she was perfectly fine." But I guess that's all a part in life. I got bounced around a lot during that time, I felt like a baby being passed around to different people to see who could get me to stop crying. I went to friend's houses and church and hung out with different people almost everyday. But now I kinda regret going to those places when I could have been there with her. But I can't go back and change it. I was at those places to keep me away from the sadness of certain people and from the things I would have to hear when I wouldn't be ready..I went to my friend Allie's house for two days and I had fun but I can't tell you what we did now. It's like everything that went on in that whole month of March I can't remember, it's all a blur. I also went to my best friend Hannah's house and there I thought i would be able to let go of everything that I was feeling and carrying around with me. But I guessed wrong. I kept a straight face the whole time, even though I felt depressed and upset with the world. I got through it...But I guess what I'm thinking about here is, will I ever be the same person I was before all this happened? Who knows? I kinda like the new me, but at times I don't. I don't laugh at things I used to laugh at, I just simple think its stupid and a waste of time. But what I have learned is that "Everything Happens For a Reason" as much as we hate to believe it, it's true.